Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Ol' College Try

Billy Madison perhaps put it best when he sang, "Back to school, back to school, to prove to Dad I'm not a fool."  Only, it's not just my dad I'm trying to prove it to. It's everyone around me: my coworkers, my son, my in-laws, my high school classmates who were sure I didn't have great aspirations.  Most of all, however, I'm trying to prove it to myself: I'm not a failure, I'm not a quitter, I can and will finish this race.

Maybe that's part of my problem.  School, to me (along with most things), is a competition, in that whoever gets finished first wins. So to me, all my peers who have their bachelors degrees have beat me, and I am a very sore loser.  What makes matters worse (in my mind) is that I had the head start of going to college two years early! Like, why am I not done with this?!

Unfortunately, school didn't feel like a competition when I felt like I was winning. I cared not a bit for it. My first round at the University of Louisville was butchered by health problems (nixing my entire first semester's grades) and then my own stupidity (failing a class because I never went and subsequently losing my full tuition scholarship - I know, I want to kick me, too).  I wandered from one major to another, no drive to do something I wasn't absolutely passionate about such as "going to class" or "studying".  Then, my final semester I was pregnant, sick, and unmotivated, ultimately finishing with a poor excuse of a GPA for someone who should easily have a point higher.

I haven't taken a class for two years.  I am terrified of going back.  I really mucked up my first opportunity which has totally shaken my confidence for the next go at it.

Then again, a lot has happened in that that time.  I've had a baby, I've regained health I haven't had since kindergarten, I've gotten married, I've become financially self-sufficient, and I realized along the way the dream I have for myself.  I have a son to whom I absolutely, passionately want to give the world and do so by the passion I've found for a career in nursing. Gone are my lazy, unmotivated days of yore!

So I find myself back in school. This first semester will be just a couple online classes that are required for my new major.  I figured it best to ease into the whole routine as I've never gone to school, worked full time, and taken care of a baby simultaneously.   It was clear God wanted me there this fall, no matter how apprehensive I am.  He clearly has more faith in me than I do.

Graduating kindergarten was a lot easier
How this semester will end, academically is up to me (financially...well, we'll see!).  Rest assured, my all will be given. I am accountable not only to my anonymous donor who gave me this opportunity to re-enroll, but to my family, and mostly to myself.  I must finish what I started, and finish strong. So, with butterflies in my stomach, I am a student once more! GO CARDS!

It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Lamentations 3:27

1 comment:

  1. School is hard. I am so proud of you for going back! I marvel at the people who are in school and have kids/a job. And you have both! You're going to do so well. You'll be in another cap and gown before you know it! Love you! :)