The Good-Looking Trooper

"You are such a trooper."  This is a phrase that's been directed at me throughout my life by many different people.  I guess it's meant as a compliment, but I've never been fond of it because of the implied pity that seems to accompany it.  I also find myself thinking, This person has no idea what I've been through.  

I will never forget when the disease made it's first appearance.  I was almost seven and, wherever I was, I wound up trapped on the toilet, for hours at times.  It was embarrassing, exhausting, and painful.  A diary entry from the time reads:

I wish I could sleep all the time because at least in my nightmares I don't have diarrhea.

After that first colonoscopy, the prep of which turned me off of Sprite forever, I was diagnosed with Crohn's.  For the next fourteen years, I lived in a state of near constant pain, weakness, and discomfort.  When concerned family friends with furrowed brows asked, "How are you feeling?" I replied with a smile and a curt, "I'm fine," knowing they would neither want to hear that bowel movements were coming out of all the wrong holes, nor did I want to admit how it took an enormous effort to leave the house, let alone stand up straight.

Another phrase I've heard a lot over the years is, "You look great!"  If they mean that I look beautiful that day, I will welcome the compliment with arms wide open.  If they say it to mean I seem healthy, I mumble an unappreciative "thanks" and change the subject.  You can always tell how a person means it.

Here's where the misconception lies.  Many autoimmune diseases, such as Crohn's, ravage the inside while oftentimes leaving little outward evidence.  I am young, I look fit, I'm not in a wheelchair, I'm not losing hair, I'm not disfigured.  What you don't see is how I feel like I'm about to fall over in the grocery from weakness; you don't see the pad I wore everyday to school to protect from that poop that never fails to come out too quickly; you don't see how at home I walked permanently hunched over because it hurts too much to stand up straight.  You don't see the recto-vaginal fistulas, you don't see the anal strictures.  Nor do I want you to, to be honest.

Please don't mistake all of this as complaining.  In order to make my point, however, you must know the ugly truths.

This past December, I had the biggest surgery of my life.  For eight hours, my abdomen was sliced open: a hernia was repaired, half of my small intestine was removed, and all of my colon along with its attachments (aka my rectum) were taken away and stitched up.  My ostomy is now permanent.

Smiling because I am on very heavy drugs

The day they removed my epidural, I had some close family friends visit.  I got up to use the bathroom, and the drains hanging from my nether regions tore at the skin, my abdomen felt like it was being slashed with a hundred knives, I couldn't breathe, much less walk.  I broke down.  I cried out in anguish in front of my guests, something I had been able to avoid for so many years of my life.  I was embarrassed, and I was mad that my pain was exposed in such a raw way.

The month following my discharge from the hospital was a blur of strong pain meds that could hardly take the edge off, a dangerously quick loss of 25 pounds that left me emaciated and weak, rendering walking and most other normal functions nigh impossible.  People asked about me, but were always so optimistic; and for the first time in my life, I was angry that no one understood how terrible it all was.  I felt cheated that strangers thought I was just some deadbeat anorexic who had her mother cart her child around for her. 

Now, three months later, I've made a lot of progress. I've gained back my weight and I eat a log of mozzarella every other day (a pricey, but fattening habit). I can get out of bed without nearly fainting, and last week I returned to work.  I still have a long way to go before I'm 100%, but I'm getting there.

All this to say, just because someone looks good, does not mean they're not battling something awful.  I praise God because most days I think I've endured the worst of it, and I'm closer to him because of it.  And perhaps if I'm more open about what I've been through, it will be a better witness for how God has worked in my life.

But for those silent sufferers who wish they could use the scooter in the grocery, but know they would be criticized because it doesn't look like they have a problem; for those whose problems are only apparent from blood tests and colonoscopies; for those who are still quietly ailing: I implore you to not assume their pain must not be so bad.  I ask you to give grace to those around you, especially strangers, because you truly never know what lies beneath the surface.  The next time you see a young person take a handicapped spot and walk out of their car like it's nothing - I beg you to not shake your head and think, There are people with real problems who need that spot.  Looks can be deceiving.  

And to all my fellow good-looking troopers, never give up hope.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, 

and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit...

Psalms 103:2-4a

My Miracle Minivan

I have never been what anyone would consider a lucky person.  I never win sweepstakes that I sign up for, or even anything inside a cereal box.  My husband and I share this quality, only I would take it a step further and call him just plain unlucky. 

For example, a couple of days before Christmas Ian had gotten off work and was headed to buy a present for our nephew.  Meanwhile, I had only been home from the hospital a day or two and my mom and I were at home, cold compress on my head and painkillers running through my veins.  I had just requested a bowl to retch into when I got a call from Ian.

Me: Did you get the present?
Ian (calmly): I am on my way but I've pulled over at a gas station because the car is smoking.
Me (nauseous and unhappy):  Yikes. Okay well let me know when you're coming home.  

We hung up and I started crying (those pain pills sure make a girl emotional).  We had spent thousands of dollars on car repairs that year, and had yet to receive my hospital bill, and I just didn't want to have one more thing to worry about.  At this point in time, puking ensued. 

I don't know if you've ever had abdominal surgery, but if you have you know that merely coughing and sneezing make you painfully aware of all the muscles that are affected by such bodily functions.  When you're throwing up after surgery...well, you just think that your incision will rip open and spill all the guts that aren't already coming out of your mouth (too graphic?). 

It was at this moment that my phone began to ring again.  My mother graciously answered for me while I threw up. When she left the room during the call, I knew it could only be bad news on top of a terrible night. 

Ian had told her that the old Taurus had gone up in flames.  The fire department was on their way and the Thornton's was being totally evacuated.  And that was that.  (To hear him tell the story is more humorous than melancholy - videos of his car ablaze even circulated Facebook!) 

The day after the fire: the aftermath

We were once again a one car family.  I know it is possible to function as such, as we've done it before, but when both spouses work and you've got a child it is very difficult.  To me, things couldn't get worse.  Of course this would happen to us at this time. But really God, do you just love picking on us? 

Our good family friend who had found my Honda began a hunt for another car that we could plausibly buy.  Every day I was burdened by the thought of the thousands of dollars for this "new" car that would render us basically broke. 

Weeks passed and our friend was not finding a car, which was a bit unusual he told me.  Something should have turned up by now.  I posted a status on Facebook seeing if anyone knew of a "steal" that Ian and could purchase.  That very night I received this message:

Hey Savannah.  Saw your post about looking for another car.  We just got a replacement van and hadn't decided what to do with the other van yet.  It's a 2004 Nissan Quest with a few miles and few minor things but it runs good and never gave us any major trouble.  By next weekend if you want it and are interested in it, it's yours.

I immediately started bawling, and not because of the painkillers.  Two weeks later, I had a minivan that I didn't deserve or dream of affording in years (I mean, the thing has a DVD player!  And seat warmers!!!) Their generosity is miraculous and evidence of God's merciful provision. 

Minivan Momma!!

To quote Michael Scott from the Office: "It goes to show that everything you want in life you get.  And you can't work for it.  It just comes to you."

...I'M KIDDING, PEOPLE! (We do work very hard, by the way.)

All of this to say, God's timing is perfect.  His provision is perfect.  And yes, He was picking on us.

For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,

and his ears are open to their prayer.

1 Peter 3:12

My baby napping in the van he will grow up in!  (Look at all that SPACE!)

The To-Do List

 As my surgery quickly approaches, I feel this nagging desire to get as much done as possible beforehand - you know, before the pain, before my mind is dulled by the medicines to treat the pain, before I find myself on the long road to recovery.  I need to get all the Christmas presents ready; oh I better reorganize my kitchen while I'm at it; I better cook this pork before it goes bad; and the all important: I need to watch all my favorite Christmas movies!!!!!  Most of the things on my before-surgery to-do list are pretty inane.  But there is one task I have found sobering: drawing up a living will.

Don't get me wrong, the odds are with me as far as making it out of this surgery fine goes.  It will take about four hours, an incision will be made and things will be taken out of me, sliced off of me, sewn up and more.  It's not small potatoes, but it's not much of a gamble either.  It's serious enough, however, that I thought I better give some directions on what I want done in the event that something does go wrong. (Resuscitate? Intubate? Etcetera.)  Basically, it gets you thinking about your own mortality.

I wrote in my last post about my training for a 5k before my proctocolectomy.  Well, that race was today.  Ian and I registered, had our trackers on, got our t-shirts and were fully ready to jog (walk...) all around Iroquois Park.  Five minutes before the race, however I got a text: my uncle had died unexpectedly the night before.

Uncle Gale was an amazing man: he embodied godliness and joy, he was always laughing and always praying.  He had a God-given talent for music and his prayers - oh his prayers, I believe they carried enormous weight.  He has been a prayer warrior for me since I was little and diagnosed with Crohn's, into my teenage and young adult years when I was making dumb decisions, and for my parents as they moved across the world.

I was in shock.  I started weeping and knew I could mentally not do this race.  As Ian and I headed back home, I frantically tried to remember the last time I saw Uncle Gale, hoping that it might have made for a good final time together.  My husband reminded me gently that the last time I saw him, and the first and only time Ian got to meet Uncle Gale, was for dinner before we all went to the Billy Joel concert.  I had no idea that would be goodbye, and for many that is just how the final goodbye is. 

All of this to say, my pre-op to-do list has changed.  I need to show my husband how much I love him; I need to play with my son until we're both exhausted; I need to focus on the eternal. No matter how cliche, you truly never know when your time is up or when your time with a loved one is up.  I hope to keep this as my forever to-do list, even after my surgery is done and I am recovered. I am thankful to Uncle Gale for his taste for life, his prayers, and for this reminder to soak it all in as this life is fleeting. "Soon we all will be together."

When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied.

Psalms 17:15b 

Unraveling

After a two hour drive, the hubby and I have arrived in Indianapolis for our much-needed getaway night. There's just one problem: I look down and my bowels are coming out of my stoma - my ileostomy has prolapsed.  A frantic call to the doctor and we are headed straight back to UofL's emergency room.  I am unraveling in both an all-too literal and figurative way.

My stoma generally sticks an inch out of my belly at the most, but I've got six inches pouring out of my abdomen.  It's kind of unsettling to see and it's accompanied with intense abdominal pains.  They think I'll need to be whisked away to surgery in the morning, but thankfully, by then my stoma has swallowed the intestines back in (the human body is nuts. That's the only word for it.) and has reached its normal size. 

I'll spare you the nitty gritty of it and just say this: two nights in the hospital and one ileoscopy later, I tell my doctors it's time to part ways with my colon; it's time to get the surgery that will make my ileostomy irreversible. 


I get asked all the time if I want to reverse my stoma and go back to having my bag-free belly.  Heck no, people! Why would I ever want to go back to running to the bathroom twenty (or more) times a day, never quite knowing if I'm going to make it, and sometimes not?  No, thank you.  I'll take pooping in a bag any day.  So, it's scheduled.  December 17th will bring another life-changing surgery, although with this one there's no going back. 

In light of the long recovery time ahead, I have made the executive decision to "get fit" beforehand.  I might be skinny, but let me tell you, I get winded walking from one side of the food court to the other.  And that is not conducive to a speedy recovery!

So, three days before my surgery will be another life changer: my first 5k.  I might be crazy.  My brain might be unraveling, too. I started training today, power walking for twenty minutes through the park with Dash, running intermittently for 45 seconds.  It was kind of miserable.  Pathetic, I know. 

While I'd love to become one of those annoying running addicts, the main goal is to get this temple as healthy as can be pre-surgery so post-op is smooth. If I end up enjoying running in the meantime, so be it (although at this point, I don't foresee that happening!).

My journey to health and - good heavens - FITNESS begins today! Any tips for a first time (non) runner are welcome.   

"Why are you still walking? The playground is back there"

Man vs. Baby

It's hard sometimes to not make your child the center of your world when he runs up to you to give you kisses and pose for pictures like these....

And when an adult forgets to turn the oven off and it stays on all night it's a lot harder to forgive them than it is when your nineteen month old screams at you for not letting them watch Space Jam for the, oh, thousandth time...

And I know that as young mommas we think we're supposed to feel guilty for preferring a night away with the hubby and leaving the kid behind...

But it shouldn't be like that.  I need to remind myself daily that, while I need to train my child up in the way he should go, my husband is the one with whom I'll be when the kids are trained and gone.  The hubby takes precedence, people, and to some that might not sit well.

So remember to leave the chitlins behind and do something your hubby loves this week! For us, it was going to Churchill Downs and watching some races - a place I don't understand yet, but is one of the hubby's favorite places to be.  And you know, even though I don't have the money to place a bet or know what the heck a superfecta is, I had a lovely time focusing on my man.

Keep your children close and your husband closer!

Scarcely had I left them,
when I found the man I love.

Song of Solomon 3:4a CJB

Four Weeks of Frugal: Week 2

I must say, I am rather relieved our fiscal week has renewed.  By the fourth day it's all too easy to be stretched thin budget-wise, especially when that budget is $100 (including groceries) for your WHOLE WEEK!  Let me put it this way: by day five I was microwaving stale honey buns as a snack (I need the calories anyway).  

WEEK 2 CASH OUT:

• $58.42 on groceries.  And this was the first day.  More than half of our weekly allowance, poof, gone.  Our cashier had read about my frugal challenge, so there's no way I could lie about this one and claim that we spent that money more efficiently than we did! But what is a mom supposed to do, just NOT buy produce? Come on.  I might live off of stale honey buns but my child will not!

  

  Budget friendly meal I made: if you have Ritz crackers, shredded cheese, and milk lying around, all you need is the chicken and you have yourself an entree!

  
  
• $25.00 on more Christmas gifts.  I feel it should be mentioned that this is the first year ever I will not be freaking out in December over what to get everyone. 
• Another $6.58 on groceries.  I wanted to feed my mother in law, but I couldn't have her over without some puff pastry and a small bag of ice!
• $5.80 at Rally's.  If, for some reason, this is the only blog post of mine you have ever read, please let me assure you that we don't limit ourselves to processed MSG-loaded sub-food! But when you've just gotten off a sixteen hour shift, you kind of only want a cheap greasy burger.  Besides, I had two coupons.  

That amounts up to $95.80.  Woohoo!

STUFF WE DIDN'T PAY FOR: 

• Starbucks.  Luckily I saw on Facebook that Sunday was buy-one-get-one fall frappucino day.  I got myself a nice pumpkin spice while Ian enjoyed a salted caramel mocha. That gift card is, for all practical purposes, completely cashed.
• $2.98 on eggs and shredded cheese.  I used our old food stamp card which had a little over three bucks left on it anyway. 

  

  Free dinners are always awesome

• Dinner at Mojitos Tapas, thanks to my mother- and grandmother-in-law.  
• I used Ian's Target gift card to pay for a $7.29 chalkboard. 

  

  Et voila! Hung the chalkboard in the kitchen to keep track of our hectic schedules!

• Four consecutive trips to the zoo with the membership that was (you guessed it) gifted us. 

  

  He got to become good friends with this guy

    IN FACT, WE MADE MONEY!

So, while it might not be the way some people would choose to spend their $100, it worked for us.  Not only that but we actually ended up with $77 cash by the end of the week from sales I had made on Craigslist, eBay, and Facebook (and let me tell you, I sold those people some CRAP-ola.  Really Craigslist guy? You want to buy ESPN Jeopardy the Boardgame for $3? Okay.)

I guarantee you, someone will take your clutter, so you might as well SELL IT! 

Another successful (by my definition) week of the Four Weeks of Frugal is in the books! My challenge for week three is to somehow pay it forward, with what little we have.  

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer...

Proverbs 11:24a 

Four Weeks of Frugal Challenge

Four Weeks of Frugal: Week 1

A couple weeks ago, I happened upon the blog Living Well Spending Less' challenge of 31 Days of Spending Zero.  The basic premise is that, save for bills and bare minimum essentials (we're talking bread, milk, and eggs here), you and your family spend zero dollars for a whole month.  No eating out (even a drink at Starbucks), no outings or dates that would have you fork over a couple bucks, no running out to buy a bottle of wine, nothing.  You live off of creativity to cure your boredom and what food you have in your pantry to keep you from starving.

In light of our recent medical expenditures, I first thought, What a marvelous idea! Oh, the savings! I quickly began calculating how much we might save and asked the hubby if he would be amenable to taking on such a challenge.  Being the compliant guy that he is, hubby went along with it, as long as we allowed ourselves to buy fruit in addition to the French toast ingredients.

We were all set to begin our challenge, when I got an invitation to dinner with some girlfriends.  Well crap, I thought.  I can't even go to a nice dinner with the ladies because of this thing.  After some more time contemplating, I concluded that, while idyllic, 31 Days of Spending Zero was not something I believed my family should take on.  I mean, isn't it a little extreme?  All that self-denial in the name of saving money?

So, I concocted a challenge and tacked a title of my own clever invention on it: "Four Weeks of Frugal".  Each week, we have a total of $100 cash to spend however we so choose - but nothing more.  It can be spent on a combination of groceries, eating out, and clothes; or it could be spent on a night at the movies and a getaway at a hotel.  But we are only allowed the $100.  Bills, tithing, and gas are the only exceptions.

Well, our family has completed its first week on this new (temporary?) budget.  I will say that there are probably wiser ways we could have used some of the money, but I think we did an okay job: we didn't go over the limit and we also didn't have to deprive ourselves of simple pleasures like a double date.

For accountability's sake, our cash was spent as follows:

• $10 on Dash's Christmas present 
• $41.76 on groceries
• $7.25 on a family outing for mini donuts at the mall
• $40 at the Melting Pot on a double date (Okay.  This one is obviously not super money-wise.  I made a mistake thinking that because we had a Groupon, we wouldn't have to spend any money. WRONG! But, we had a lot of fun and I had leftovers. Boom, justified.)

Frugal fun at the park

This doesn't sound like much, and you're right.  $100 doesn't get you very far in a week.  If you're like me, however, you have gift cards hidden, unspent in your wallet because they aren't gift cards to Target.  I've had some of these gift cards for years and only used them this week because, well, I didn't have anything else to spend! Here's what I bought with gift card money:

• $9.43 at Starbucks (I mean who can resist a caramel macchiato in this fall weather?!)
• $41 at Bath & Body Works (We were already at the mall, okay? And who doesn't want an automatic soap dispenser and bubble bath gel?? This is something I would never buy without a gift card, by the way.)
• $19 at Trader Joe's for produce to juice

Is that cheating and defeating the purpose of the challenge?  Living Well Spending Less blogger might say yes, but I say, it wasn't cash out of my bank account.  It's okay to use.

We did do as many free things as possible.  Dash and I made frequent trips to the park, we fed the ducks, we had family feed us, and today we used our gifted zoo membership to go look at the sad orangutan.  Heck, I actually MADE money this week by selling unused baby toiletries to a fellow momma.

Family fun on the train at the Louisville Zoo!

So, I would call our first week of frugal a learning experience and a success.  How will we spend next week's money?  Only time and my blog will tell...

If you want to see a full set of my "rules" for Four Weeks of Frugal, click here or download here: Four Weeks of Frugal Challenge